Depression isn't overrated

I'm 35 and I've had depression and anxiety as far back as I can remember. I was officially diagnosed when I was 17. There have been good years and there have been not so good ones...this year has been a not so good one. Have you ever had that feeling of just wanting to give up because it all just seems like it's too much trouble to keep on trying? I envy those who never have to deal with those feelings, I truly do. I've had that feeling way too many times this year and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being sad, angry, hopeless, and just outright tired!

Today and over the past few weeks I have been very angry - for no apparent reason - angry at the world. Anything and everything pisses me off and most anyone that talks to me gets a pissed off response from me. I finally got in to a psychiatrist and he told me that some people exhibit these symptoms when they are taking certain anti-depressants and are having adverse side effects to them. If Dr's had increased that particular medication I could've become homicidal on it. I was astonished! No medication has ever affected me this way but I knew something was wrong. I just didn't know what. I honestly have no control over my anger.

Today Steve, my husband, asked why I was in our room reading instead of being in the living room with everyone. I told him that I am just being too mean to be around everyone. He told me "You just need to have self control." Ummmm, hello!!! I have no self control right now when it comes to my anger. And the kids don't understand that. Obviously he doesn't either because he was admonishing me about how I was talking to them in front of them.

I will be relieved and happy when they get my meds straightened out.

My "I Heart Faces" Beautiful Eyes entry

Until you have children you never truly realize your ability love someone so fully and unconditionally. They consume your life more than you could ever imagine, for the good and the bad. But somehow no matter how bad things might seem to be at times, your love for them never diminishes, never waivers. This little girl, who is so much like her Mommy, is strong willed, confident, funny, fun to be around, loved by all of her friends and family...and she's growing up. Time really does fly when you're having fun! Treasure the time you have and tell them how much you love them everyday.

 

This photo has been entered in the weekly I Heart Faces contest "Beautiful Eyes"

 

Attachment Parenting

When Steve and I began to plan to have a family we discussed how we wanted to raise our children. We even discussed if we were to ever get divorced how we didn't want  the whole step- mom/dad situation so for the sake of our children we would forgo relationships until our children were graduated and out of the house. We decided Attachment Parenting was how we wanted to go. Everyone has differing views on parenting so many don't agree with or understand AP. Now that our kids are 8 and almost 7, I don't regret the choice at all. I believe we made the right choice.

One thing I am questioning is allowing the kids ti sleep with us. We have always said they are only young for such a small period of time so this is just a blip in the whole scheme of things. But lately I find myself longing to have my master bedroom back to, just that, the master bedroom. No kids, just adults that can spend quality time together, can lay in bed and watch TV and talk about whatever we'd like and so on. Currently, we have 2 beds in our master bedroom pushed together. The kids sleep on one and the adults on the other. This is a big step from not long ago. About a month ago Kaitlyn and I slept in the living room on the hide a bed, and Jon and Steve slept in the master bedroom.  We had that arrangement for the entire winter.  The kids say they don't want to sleep in their rooms because they are scared to.

So the dilemma is how to deal with this issue with out traumatizing them. Some people will scoff at that and say just move them to their own beds they are old enough to sleep in their own beds. But parents that are familiar with AP will understand and might have some good advice.

Desire to help others

Lately I find myself thinking more and more about ways I can help others. I want to help our community become a better place. I want to start a Community Youth Center for children all the way up to age 18 when they graduate. Where they can come for homework help, a quiet place to read, indoor games, indoor exercise like a rock climbing wall, and so much more. I have all of these ideas just swirling in my head and yet I have no idea where to even begin to make my dream come true.

On the complete other end of the spectrum, I find myself yearning to travel the world as a Missionary helping those less fortunate. Perhaps I could help in some medical capacity as an assistant in third world countries where 100's of thousands of people go without medical care because they live to far away from medical clinics to get help. The dream seems so unrealistic and out of reach yet I can't let it go. I hope and pray that some day when my children are grown I may have the chance to fulfill my dream.

Until then I will continue to do the work I do here in my community as an EMT. I will continue to work on figuring out if starting a Community Youth Center is feasible. And I will love and cherish the time I have with my family.